[Donut]

Beasty... you're a fucking crybaby.

[Rebel]

@Beasty.

Fuck it. I am not going to continue any further because I don't have much time for this. I just want to say this; go get counseling. I sincerely recommend it. Sounds like you have depression or something.

[Beasty]

Beasty... you're a fucking crybaby.

In what way? I'm sorry not everyone is as happy as you fucking clopping faggot. Who the fuck are you to call me a crybaby for when you haven't walked a mile in my shoes.

Maybe it's mechanism of yours to further the gap between us to make you feel as though your own life has more value by comparison. You wouldn't be the first.

[Donut]

Beasty... you're a fucking crybaby.

In what way? I'm sorry not everyone is as happy as you fucking clopping faggot. Who the fuck are you to call me a crybaby for when you haven't walked a mile in my shoes.

Maybe it's mechanism of yours to further the gap between us to make you feel as though your own life has more value by comparison. You wouldn't be the first.

Look, you just need to quit acting like you're the victim and everyone somehow doesn't "know you pain" You need to realize that people like me can get beat down and depressed too. I've been through shit. I've bled from my brain out my nose, lost friends who thought I was faking it, lost the opportunity to join the military for a long time, had to do a semester of school in a quarter. but I rarely complain, in fact I think with the exception of reoccurring head trauma symptoms, I've come out the better for it.

I'm not saying your life has less value than mine, life is sacred. But what I'm getting at is that you can't go around and expect people to respect you if your life is an enormous cop out by the way you explain it.

fucking... do something worthwhile with it that doesn't try and bring others down. I can't believe I'm trying to help you, but this bullshit just pisses a lot of people off when they see it.

[Beasty]

I haven't ever explained my life to you, I've only talked about the mentality it has given me, so exactly how is "my life an enormous cop out"? A cop out from what exactly?

I've never tried to bring others down, I've only spoken the truth. If the truth is a disease that perpetuates a feeling of low quality then so be it, it's better than living life in a false sense of hapiness. I mean the only time I've implied that you don't know it is because I haven't ever talked about it- because I was working under the assumption that nobody cared of course. I don't really care whether it pisses people off, my very existence pisses a few select people off. So I'm not inclined to care all that much.

Even in this post I'm not going to tell all things in my life that has given me difficulty because you're not interested. If you were, you wouldn't assume so much without actually hearing it, and even if you did, you couldn't change it anyhow so it doesn't even matter regardless. Loathe me all you want, I'm used to it as I get it from everyone, even the few people who shouldn't.

[Donut]

I haven't ever explained my life to you, I've only talked about the mentality it has given me, so exactly how is "my life an enormous cop out"? A cop out from what exactly?

That the fuck is this then?

Do you have to move every 10 months, something I've had to do for the last 6 years, because there isn't enough money to pay the rent? Have you ever had to consider getting a job so that you can pay for your siblings to eat that month because the Food Stamps got scaled down and your parents couldn't afford it? Have you ever watched your siblings huddle on a couch under a single blanket in below freezing temperatures because there was no heat in the house for non-payment? Have you had to watch your father explain to NationalGrid why he went out and turned back on the gas (effectively stealing it) just so that we could heat the apartment we were living in? Have you had the embarrassment of having to rent from your own aunt only to be thrown out with nowhere to go, having to live in a single room motel for a week and a half, going to school in the same dirty clothes because there is no washer/dryer or shower and having to explain that you are essentially homeless? Do you know what that feels like to realize all of that, and apply to several places- all without even getting a call back? And then I get blamed for not trying, for being lazy or that this was my fault, as I even wanted to be alive in the first place. I get blamed for it all by people who think that just because they can't afford the newest iPhone, they can fucking call themselves poor. If you had any idea what that word meant, you'd understand private school would never be an option in the first place.

I don't know what you fucking people want from me, I just don't. I try and I get shit on by life, so I don't and I get shit on. What the fuck is the point in any of this. Honestly, I work so hard to be smart despite the fact that I'm at such a disadvantage, and I get shit for it. Pardon me if I have the audacity to criticize a failing education system. Pardon me if I challenge the notion that economic competition was ever a requirement for success in life anyways. Pardon me if I refuse to assume all guilt in this life, because from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep, something is always wrong, someone is always fighting, or somehow I'm not living up to someone else's impossible standards. You want to know why i'm an insufferable, cynical, douchebag? That's what you fucking become when everything ends up the way it has. Honestly I just don't even want to try anymore.

You gave up, stagnated, and expected the world to accept Marxism so you could get what you want, when you want it. I call that a cop out.

[SmG Battlefire]

You gave up, stagnated, and expected the world to accept Marxism so you could get what you want, when you want it. I call that a cop out.

That is why Marxism failed.

[SmG Phoenix]

Calm down, guys. The bird is watching.

[Beasty]

You gave up, stagnated, and expected the world to accept Marxism so you could get what you want, when you want it. I call that a cop out.

You have no idea what the fuck you're talking about. You think this is about political and economic ideologies- you think THAT is what this is about? Of course, you don't have a fucking clue do you?

If I gave up, I wouldn't be here talking to you right now would I? I'd be dead if I had given up. You ever been in that mindstate, where you understand how easier it would all be if you took that route? How dare you tell me I gave up when I was so close to the edge and came out the otherside. I never fucking have up, I just have high expectations. I have high expectations of the world, and the people in it. But most of all I have high expectations for myself, no matter how many times he let's himself down.

In all of this, you think I am vying with the world for myself? You understand nothing. I rarely, if ever, do things for myself. But that doesn't mean I am going to sit there and accept the blame for things that were not my fault. It's not my fault my parents fight. It's not my fault we have to move every year. It's not my fault my grandfather has a heart condition my grandparents can't afford to keep up with financially. It's not my fault that this education system can't adequately handle alterior modes of learning or allow for the autonomy and fluidity to do so of our own accord. It's not my fault that there are young kids in Africa who can only make enough money to live by scamming stupid people online. It's not my fault that my uncles business failed and that he has been in a much tougher financial situation since. It's not my fault that my cousin has been arrested three times and is stuck in the mental state I had 6 months ago. It's not my fault the roads aren't paved, the homeless aren't fed, the government is corrupt, and the people just need someone who cares.

None of this is my fault. I won't willingly take credit for it- I can't, I'll be crushed under all that weight. No, I am getting crushed under all this weight. It's the only reason I get up in the morning anymore, is to fufill that self imposed burden of feeling responsible for it all- not in causation, but in reaction. It's the person I am, the first to voluntarily make sacrifices if the solution is demonstrably apparent. The one to consider your problems as our problems. I don't know why, maybe it was caused by a feeling of loneliness or neglect growing up. A dad who left, a mother who took that pent-up aggression out on me, the kids at school who beat the shit out of me every time I got off the bus until I was smart enough to run home and ignore their laughter. A strong of psychologists so hell bent on telling me that I was mental before giving me a cocktail of medications I never needed, until one day I told them all fuck off, I'm not your cash cow and refused to even acknowledge it all.

Everyone; my family, my peers, my doctors, my friends, my governing officials- everyone hated me. The world loathed me, and I loathed it back. And that anger ate me alive inside. It fueled an unprecedented level of cynicism, and disdain, and anger. And for awhile I became something so grotesque that even I was shocked. I looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. And then, as if divine intervention- I snapped. I said "I can't live another day as this person", and I changed overnight. I shed my old skin and refined my anger into fervor for change. The kind of change that would prevent another demon like him from spawning ever again. But reality doesn't work that way donut, I found that out the hard way. What they tell you, that it's all about perspective and attitude, it's fucking bullshit. Because at the end of the day, no matter how hell bent you are on making a change, this world will crush you. I'd love nothing more than to change all the institutions for the better- education and governance- and I have both the personal experience and the natural aptitude to do so- but I'm bared from doing so through a lack of credentials by the very systems I mean to restructure. So now I've come to a cross roads, with the path in sight but no means of execution- I'm a paraplegic at the two paths diverged in the yellow wood, arms outstretched towards the one less traveled by but unable to move. And everyone is tugging at me with their own ideas and dreams and pleas the weight piles and piles on until I'm suffocating and I can't even fucking breath, and I contemplate how easy it would be to just bury my face in the gravel but I can't, so I keep accepting more and more weight pilling on my back, assuring myself I'll find a way while my ribcage crunches with every passing day.

I can't fucking do this, I'm not this strong. I'm weak. I'm a pathetic little man with some pathetic little dream, underestimating the weight of the world until I have to carry it. And it's lonely trying to hold the world on your back, and it hurts and for every step you don't take, someone will tell you how pathetic you are and how much they hate you. I just can't do this, why did I think I was strong enough to martyr myself for the will of a world I hate. I must've known I'd died trying.

[SmG Phoenix]

This is looking waaaaay to aggravated. Take it to PMs.
/Locked